Zombies and the Bible
Jesus died, he came back to life. Obvious zombie, right? Turns out that the Bible has a serious obsession with Zombies.
For those of you unaware of a Zombie, there are two (well, kinda three) schools of thought regarding the existence of Zombies. From the Romero tradition we have the whole concept of Hell being too full for souls and thus the dead walk the earth. The recently dead return to life and long for the flesh of the living. Fairly straightforward concept, if you ask me.
From the Garland/Brooks tradition we have the concept of a viral load that causes Zombies. (This tradition is also followed in the Resident Evil series of Games/Movies, a T-Virus causes people to become Zombies). Brooks calls the virus/infection that he believes is responsible for the zombies 'solanum'. It's a form of parasite/virus that takes control of the host and forces it to seek only that which fuels its base needs (food, notably brains). The Brooks/Garland treatise splits on the concept that Garland believes his scientific research into the rage virus shows that those who are 'infected' are indeed not zombies, but purely infected humans. Brooks believes that solanum removes any form of humanity, except for basic bipedal form, and as such they are entirely zombies.
Again the split goes even further, as can be seen in the documentaries Dawn of the Dead (the Zach Snyder version, for simplicity's sake) versus 28 Days later. In Dawn of the Dead, the humans are trapped inside the mall for several months, subsisting on the food/water contained within and the lives of the zombie masses appear to be fairly static. The Zombies do not appear to require any food source in order to continue living. However, in 28 Days Later, the zombies are shown dying after a period of about a month without any food. It's obvious here that the DotD zombies are anerobic, whilst the 28 Days Later zombies are aerobic creatures. This is further backed up by the panting of the 28 Days Later zombies after running. For the DotD zombies, the mouth seems to be an orifice purely for eating, screaming and groaning. No actual respiration goes on.
So where am I going with this and why did I mention the bible? Well, given that this weekend is Zombie weekend (Also known as Easter, Jesus died and then came back from the dead, obviously a Zombie, no other logical explanation for it) it seems appropriate to understand how Zombic lore has a heady influence in the bible of yore.
Matthew 27:50-53 states the following:
Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.
And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent;
And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose,
And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.
So we obviously have the case supporting the Romerian argument of the Souls coming from Hell to bring the recently dead to life. However, the bible is fairly thin on evidence regarding the dead's consumption of brains and other related human matter. I assume this matter has been covered up due to the current level of reverence paid to Jesus as a Zombie-overlord. It would be no mean feat to remove texts and the like referring to the mass zombocalypse around 37AD.
But Jesus ascended (climbed up a rope made from brains) into the sky/space/heaven/ymmv long, long ago, so how does this affect you, the erudite and effete intellectual of 2008? Quite simply, because the Hillsong mobs and the other types are trying to bring back the Zombie Worship Cult (Hereafter ZWS). Hillsong has realised that the cost of burial and the like is extraordinarily high, and thus has been using its occult groupist practices to run covert funeral homes. These covert funeral homes have taken money from people wishing to bury their relatives, the corpses are provided to the Hillsongites and this is where the most despicable parts begin to happen. Using the energy created in their furious clapturbation sessions, they channel the essence of Jesus the Uber-Zombie into the recent!corpse. This pure power of Zombie nature reanimates the corpse and readies it to join the army of unholy judgement.
It's been publicised that the leaders of Hillsong are linked with Gloria Jeans. What hasn't been made available to the general public (up until now) is that all Gloria Jeans are linked underground by a series of grand caverns and tunnels.
I think the connection between these two organisations is now starkly obvious. Hillsong is converting the recently deceased into zombies through the power of mass confusion and then storing them underneath unassuming coffee stores.
But why would Hillsong want to raise such a grand army in the name of the Zombie master? Why it's simple economics. If we have a finite level of currency, obviously becoming rich is a zero sum game. Hillsong is raising a zombie army to stack out their clapping seminars under the guise of popularity. Hillsong is using the recently dead to help stack out ceremonies in order to spread stories about their massive popularity, and then garnering more people who will outsource the care of their own deceased friends/family to the Hillsong funeral brand, thus perpetuating the entire fraud!
It appears they have taken the "God wants you to be wealthy" doctrine a tad too far. You heard it here first, humans. Hillsong is raising a mass zombie army, storing them under Gloria Jeans for 6 days a week and then rolling them out on the 7th day to bolster attendance numbers in order to gain more popularity.
The cult of Zombie must be stopped, and there is a very clear way on how to fix it. Remove the head or sever the spine.
Let no christian escape the purge.
Dos Vidanye Motherfuckers.
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