Stephen Colbert, what have you done?
Now you all know that any and all criticism of Stephen Colbert must be dealt with instantaneous through the judicious use of murder. Stephen Colbert is the greatest living human being, and the salvation of the human race. He is truly the most perfect man on the face of the planet, and lives as a testament to all that is good and great in society. He is a giant upon whose shoulders we should all stand.
It's a saturday night, I don't have any money, so what do I do? I turn to Stephen. I download the latest episode, crack open an Amber Ale and get ready for Stephen to rock my world. We hold that truth to be self-evident.
It all starts off great, firstly there's STEPHEN AND HE'S ON TV (Squee) and he is talking to me and only me about everything the world needs to know.
But there's a problem. His backdrop dies, and the following unfolds (I've taken this from the chicago tribune weblog):
Colbert opened his show with a technical glitch--his fancy high-tech digital backdrop featuring such scenes as the Liberty Bell and the Phillie Phanatic wouldn't work and his electronics experts were all back in New York.
"Are you telling me, there's no one in this theater to fix the mess we're in?" Colbert asks his director, "Jimmy," in providing an entrance line for Clinton to walk on stage.
"Let me handle this," Clinton tells Colbert as the New York senator quizzes "Jimmy" about truly technical issues that would puzzle a member of the Geek Squad. "About the screen, are you using a digital or analog production truck?" was one of Clinton's questions.
Finally she suggests "try toggling the input" and the electronic backdrop magically lights up.
Clinton then tells Colbert his "forehead is a little shiny" and she calls for a makeup assistant to provide some "translucent powder."
"Wow Sen. Clinton, you're so prepared for any situation. I just don't know how to thank you enough," Colbert responds.
"I just love solving problems," Clinton tells him. "Call me anytime."
"Really?" Colbert asks.
"Sure," Clinton says. "Call me at 3 a.m."
Now stephen (THAT LOWER CASE IS DELIBERATE) what the FUCK do you think you're doing ruining my saturday night like that. Firstly this implies that you can't fix EVERYTHING. You're automatically reducing your status to that of a mere mortal.
And then you have her on. That lying twisted sack of shit neo-con that is lying to us all goddamn it can't we all see through her fucking unconvincing goddamn populist smile. STEPHEN YOU FELL FOR IT YOU BASTARD.
YOU FELL FOR IT AND NOW SHE'LL KILL US ALL. You have exposed the Colbert Nation to Hillaby Climton. You inflicted her upon your unwilling flock and now we're all dead.
You fell for bittergate and sniper fire and all manner of flag pin waving nonsense and you swallowed down her bullshit one and all. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STEPHEN WHY ARE YOU HURTING ME
I LOVE YOU. YET YOU DO THIS TO ME.
You sir, you have raised her lies to the level of truthiness. She should be number one on the threatdown list. She tricked you, sir. She tricked you.
Now we're all fucked.
Why... Stephen? Why?
The bell tolls for our love, Stephen.
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